City Partyin’

Now that the  Holiday Season is upon us once again here in the Big Cityâ„¢, people are throwing parties everywhere. Halloween parties, Christmas parties, Generic All-Inclusive Non-Denominational Winter Holiday Partyâ„¢, office parties – there are just tons of events for you to go to. And unless you’re a prude, you’ll probably be holding one as well (right? Right). So what does this mean for you, the non-prude that is getting invited to all of these parties and is holding their own raucous ones? Well, for starters: don’t be a dick.

Dress Code

This is acceptable attire

The first thing you want to be sure of is what the dress code is at a given party.  Sure, you can never go wrong with a (nice) dress shirt and (clean) jeans, but where’s the fun in that? Why bother being wearing a nice fleece or a well-cut sweater when you can show up as some sort of drunken Santa’s elf, or a lecherous turkey? Well, sure, there’s the fact that you have friends you may want to hang on to. And, of course, there’s the whole “Not get fired because of the office Christmas/Chanukah/Ramadan/Winter Solstice party shenanigans” factor. So you may not want to dress like a $5 hooker ($15 is fine, if it’s at a bar). You may also want to take the Cheetos-stained wifebeater and leave it at home (you can toss it in the same trash can you throw the skidmark encrusted tighty-whiteys. You’ll thank me later). Oh, and it might not hurt to comb/brush your hair. Unless you’re a filthy, filthy hipster*. But then, if you are a filthy hipster, it won’t matter what you wear, because you can claim its ironic.

*Public notice: All hipsters are filthy.

Alcoholic Consumption

Everyone loves all of this

If you are 21, or in a party where you can claim you’re 21 without anyone bothering to argue, you can consume alcohol. There are stages of alcoholic consumption, however, starting with the “giggling and flirting” stage and usually ending somewhere in the neighborhood of the  “puking in the host’s closet” stage. You want to remain on the earlier end of this scale (again, unless you’re in a bar). The trick is to get talkative, but not so much that you start telling people embarrassing secrets about yourself, such as the fact that “Faster than a speeding bullet” is not so much a line about Superman, but one about your bedroom prowess. If you start realizing how hot your boss is, you should stop drinking. If your boss is hot when you’re sober, you’re a liar, and you should stop drinking. If your boss is objectively hot, do not hit on him/her. Unless he/she has made it clear that they share the same tried-and-true porno plot of “disciplining” you in their office as a daily way to ignore their work. If you’re just at a friend’s party (or, hell, your own), feel free to drink as much as you want! They’ll understand. After all, they’re your friends! And what are friends for, if not to drag your alcohol-poisoned ass off the lawn when you pass out on it?

Throwing a Party

He is watching you

If you decide you want to actually throw one, you should keep a few pointers in mind. 1) You cannot have enough chips. Alcohol + awkward conversations = needing to snack. 2) Wings rule. Buy some wings. 3) Decorate. Depending on your party, less can be more. A few strategically placed items can make all the difference. On the other hand, if you’re like us here at ZSN, having fewer than 3 blacklights and less than 200 square feet of cobweb is absolutely unacceptable, and puts you in the company of complete amateurs. You wuss. 4) Vary the alcohol. Unless it’s a shitty frat party, no one wants to drink your crappy beer. And if it is a shitty frat party, then you can pretty much disregard every single thing I’ve written here today. Good luck with the beer pong, bro.

Well, I hope this has helped you a little bit. Maybe now you’ll be a bit smarter at parties you attend, so you can make more friends, sleep with more strangers, and try new and exciting shots that will  make you wake up in new and exciting locales!

Always in a party hat,
Tom