Please, please, step back into the office of Dr. Love, Autoerotic Haberdasher. So, have any of my other suggestions worked for you? Hm, I see, I see. Well, since you’re such a loyal patient of mine, I would hate to see things not work out for you. Well, hey, I have three places left for you to give a shot, so why don’t we see what we can do for you? Dr. Love takes care of his patients, after all. And you know what? Since it’s still the holiday season (give or take a few bottles of champagne), Dr. Love will even dole this advice out for free!
Parties – A “party” can be any one of a dozen different settings and themes – office Christmas party, friend’s birthday party, the Halloween party of a person that’s a friend of your friend’s friend, random drinking at a Frat house, anything involving words such as “sexy schoolgirl,” “costume,” “toga,” “ugly sweater,” so on and so forth – and each one much be approached with somewhat different sensibilities. For instance, if you’re going to a party where the main delicacy will be Keystone Light, you can feel pretty safe in your assumption that a few well placed cheesy pick up linesÂ and a never ending supply of booze will guarantee you a date, if only for the night. On the other hand, at the office Christmas party, you must be very careful to keep the wine flowing, but to not have so much that you actually become drunk. One of the reasons for this is that you cannot be as sure that your quarry will be drinking significant amounts, and you do not want to end up more drunk than the person you are trying to leave the party with, lest they become your boss’s spouse before you have a chance to re-zip your pants. Dr. Love’s suggestion here is to watch the pros at work around you, and watch for their similarities: Always have a drink in your hand, but don’t always be drinking it; A good smile goes farther than a good pick up line;Â A whip in the hand is better than two in the closet…actually, that might not be one. Anyway, maybe parties aren’t really your thing. You want the thumping music, but not the part where you actually know people who could remind you of what you say later. Dr. Love has got just what you need.
Clubs – These are the easiest ways to combine head splitting “music” with writhing masses of “people,” with the added bonus of “tons of sweat” due to their “dancing.” Dr. Love wants to be very, very clear with you all here: you will not find a relationship in a club. Maybe a 12 hour relationship, but nothing that you would want to write your mom about. Unless, of course, your mom is a totally awesome mom, and supports your various (to put it delicately) “whoring” habits, in which case, feel free to embellish a bit. For the rest of you, however, you don’t want to really let her know, as clubs are places where the booze moves about nearly as freely as the crabs. The basic tenants of a club are being loud, being drunk, and always being on the dance floor. Don’t worry about being very good at dancing – most people there won’t be. They will all be doing that grinding/swaying thing that is so prevalent at the moment, and half the people will be holding drinks in their hands. If you can dance, however, then by all means do so. The point of the dancing is, of course, to try to turn each other on, and since the person you’re dancing with a) can’t hear you say anything stupid, and b) has no idea what you really look like, you’re already in a good standing to get them to that point. Women need only wiggle and “bump” against the guys they’re dancing with, and the guys will be drooling. Men, however, would be wise to watch their hands, as not every girl is looking forward to being groped by a drunken guy who thinks he’s Fred Astaire for the 21st Century. On the other hand, there are police officers with nightsticks that would love for such males to become so brazen, so if you enjoy your head lump-free, you may want to stick to her waist and hips. Unless, of course, the girl is making out with you. At which point, you’re allowed to advance to her hair.
Bars - Bars are, arguably, the most difficult place in the world to pick up women at, aside from an all-male boarding school. Or maybe the Vatican (only maybe). When choosing to go to a bar, you must be careful what sort of bar you go to, as this will affect the conversation more severly than the types of parties from above. Does it seem clean and shiny, and is it playing ignorable house/electronic music? You may be in a trendy bar, and you’d do well to have a sport coat, button down/polo shirt, and dressy shoes (read: dress like a tool). If the place has horns or antlers of any sort of animal on the wall, a Confederate flag, and ignorable country music playing, you’re probably in a redneck bar, and you’d do best to stay in jeans and learn to enjoy the distinctful urine flavors of Bud Lite. If it’s baseball/football/basketball/soccer jerseys of the local pro/minor league/college team(s) on the walls, large guys with larger guts, soccer moms with bottle-blonde hair, and more TVs than in a Best Buy, you’re most likely in a sports bar, and have a slightly wider range of liquor to choose from (ie, Sam Adams and Coors, as well as Bud Lite. You will always have Bud Lite. Sadly). Dr. Love suggests you approach members of the opposite sex carefully in bars. Many times, if they are by themselves in a corner or out-of-the-way spot, they do not wish to be approached, and if they are with friends, it will be difficult to approach them. Knowing what sort of bar you are in, however, can be your way into a conversation with this person. Rednecks or sports fans? Mention the game that’s playing, and check your reactions to make sure they mirror your quarries. Is it the trendy bar? Feel free to talk about something douchey more complex, such as the stock markets or fancy cars. Dr. Love does not care, Dr. Love does not frequent tool trendy bars. Dr. Love is a man of much more tasteful tastes.
Well, my lovely friends, now is the time Dr. Love must say goodbye for now. I hope that my advice has been helpful to you, and armed with these tips, you can now face the new day and find yourself a new date.
Or, at least, something exotically itchy.
Hanging the stethescope up for now,