City Campin’

Why hello again. How are you doing? What? Oh, come on, don’t give me that look. I don’t see what your problem is, since thanks to me you found an apartment, checked out various sites in the city, went to a sports game, went swimming, and even saw Major Rock Bandâ„¢ in concert! You and I both know that despite all the troubles you’ve gone through so far to do various things, living in the Big City has been totally freaking awesome. Hm…you still look kinda glum, though. I got it! You know what you need? You need a break from the hustle and bustle of city life. You need to go get back to nature, commune with the trees, and fend off giant insects. You need to go camping! First thing you’ll have to do find a

Campground – These run the gambit from “Family Environment with Cabins that have running water!” to “The Arctic Circle.” Know your limits, and know your wants. If you’re an adventure oriented person, enjoy the cold, and have a ton of excellent military-grade gear (as well as detailed topographical maps of the Yukon), well…actually, you shouldn’t be reading this, because frankly, I’m not going to tell you how to do or get anything like that. If you’re reading my guide here, it’s because you want to go general camping. Which is good, it’s the relaxing kind. So, hop on the Internet, and go searching for sites. Your state (or province, if you’re in one of those countries that has “provinces”) should have a bunch of campgrounds available to you. Barring that, most tourist traps destinations should, as well as rednecks who use the word “purdy” in a non-ironic manner. Their rates will fluctuate based on number of sites, how popular the campgrounds are, what you’ll be staying in (for instance, a yurt. No, I did not make that up), how far the American dollar has fallen that week, and how drunk you are/plan to be. Oh, and be sure to ask how many people die in those campgrounds a year.  Remember: the bigger the body count, the bigger the savings! So, looks like you picked out a good spot there, and you want…oh, you’ll be bringing your own stuff? Well then, let’s look at

Tents – Tents come in a variety of sizes, shapes, and color schemes. You can get the 1 person “pup tent,” all the way to the family-sized cabin tents (aka, the Hobo Mansion). You can find tents in any standard sporting goods store, camping store, department store, US Army base, Boy Scout Jamboree, or deep-woods weekend tryst. You want to make sure you steal purchase a properly sized and weighted tent for what you’ll be doing (longer treks = lighter tent), and make sure it comes with a good rain guard. It will also behoove you to beat up Scouts for pick up a ground tarp from a store. Unless, of course, you enjoy going to sleep on the ground, and waking up in a pond (or, you know…a puddle of pee of a large, furry, vicious animal). If you’re a lonely person and don’t intend on trying to hook up with any passing hippie chicks, a pup tent should be fine for you; on the other hand, if you’re going to a music festival (or will be conveniently nearby one), you may want to pick up a tent large enough to fit three or four people, if you catch my drift. You do catch my drift, don’t you? No? Er…well, in that case, now that you’ve got your tent, it’s on to

Packing – Packing is the bane of your existence. There, I said it. If you pack too little, you run the risk of being unprepared in the case of bears/Sasquatches/aliens/rain/hobos, but if you pack too much, you end up looking like that asshole that overpacked. So, be reasonable. Check the weather forecasts ahead of time, using at least 3 to 4 different sources, and average out the predictions (sunny + t-storm + windy = occasional drizzle with light breeze. Or a blizzard). Then just pack clothing and supplies that are appropriate for that weather. Simple, isn’t it? No, no it isn’t. It’s a guarantee that however you pack will be wrong somehow, so just take some guesses and hope you’re close enough to not suffer from hypothermia/heat stroke. When it comes to food: cans are good. Canned food can’t go bad on you, and it’s less likely to attract giant deadly animals. It’s also easier to cook on an open fire, which is what you’ll be cooking on when your propane camping stove explodes. Speaking of giant deadly animals, while you’re out camping, be sure to admire the

Wildlife – A basic rule of thumb to actual wildlife in the actual wild is that everything can kill you. Keep in mind that every animal you see has to hunt and forage for its own food, has only natural shelter against the elements (like trees or the ground), has no way to control external temperatures, and has to be able to fend off or escape from animals that are larger than they are. So, in other words, before you go and poke wild animals with sticks, remember that they do not drink lattes, do not have a two-story house in the suburbs with central air, do not get allergies from the world around them, do not drive anywhere, and are much better at you than fighting, fleeing, or both. Especially the big ones. Like bears. Bears are everywhere, in all woods, ever. Do not anger a bear. Do not talk to a bear. Do not play with a bear cub. For the love of God, do not drag a bear cub around like it’s your old Mr. Fluffles. Do not expect to sing The Bare Necessities with a bear, for they have terrible voices don’t sing. Now just because anything can kill you does not mean you should be terrified of everything. For instance, squirrels will leave you alone (unless you have food). And bunnies are afraid of you. Unless they’re actually that bunny from Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail. Then you’re pretty much fucked.

Well, the sun’s falling beneath the horizon, so it’s time for you to hit the hay. Sleep tight, I have to go do stuff that’s not basically sleeping on rocks. And I’ll see you next time you have any questions about the Big Cityâ„¢.

I knew a kid that woke up with a skunk on his chest,
Tom