The Mustache Ride to Heaven

A ZSN Special Report

Anybody who has ever used the Internet knows that it is loaded with spam, that most hated of viral e-mails. They’re full of crazy scams – sometimes to infect your computer, sometimes to take your money from you. I realize this may come as a shock to many of you out there in Internet Reader Land (“Home of the Fighting Low IQ Points!â„¢”), but before the ‘net, people got junk mail and scams through the regular mail (shock!).

Apparently not content with the fact that there are still some trees somewhere in the world, many of us continue to receive these scams and junk mail, to great frustration. I am here to tell you, fair Internet Readers, that there is a new, dangerous scam has emerged, and it’s from the evil people at St. Matthew’s Church, in Tulsa.

What you see above you are the two envelopes that arrived in the mail. The one on the left is the envelope everything was in. Yes, that’s writing all over it. No, it’s not hand written – this entire thing was a mildly creative use of Word so that everything might look hand written. How it made it through the USPS, I’ll never know. The one on the right is the return envelope. Notice how it just says “Resident – To a Friend” (you’ll have to enlarge it to take a proper look). On the right side of that envelope there is space to write your name. St. Matthews Church apparently doesn’t have your name yet, so if you write it down there, they’ll know who to send a free cross to (more on that in a bit). Discrepency Note: If you look at the front of the left envelope, it refers to “…this very old church…” In the letter below, the church is noted at being 50 years old. 50. Our parents are older than that. What the hell, St. Matthew’s?

How do you get said free cross? And why a return envelope? Well, it’s all explained in this letter:

This (un)helpful, offensive-to-the-eyes letter describes everything you need to know about this entire process.

Editor’s note: Never really followed up from here, but this post has been around since early 2009, so it is unlikely anything will more will come of this.