So You Want a Job, eh?

A few weeks ago I convinced you to quit your pedestrian, boring job. Now that you’ve had some time off you might have noticed that 24 hour jerk-off marathons are only fun the first or second time you do them. You might also have noticed that you had to dip into your savings when you bought a Vanilla Coke. Look, you cannot go on living your life in your parent’s house playing Pokemon all day! You need to CATCH THEM ALL. And by “them all” I mean a brand new job.

Where to Look

If the closest you have gotten to going outside in the last week is when you booted up Halo 3, you may be like me; scared of the outside world. This may leave you completely confused as to where to find a job. How do you know when a business or service needs help? Surely you cannot just ask them to hire you. There must be some other way?

Thankfully there internet is the key (as it often is)! Go to your local paper’s website and check around their online classifieds. Sure, you could pick up an actual paper, but you might get ink on your fingers and who wants that? Be sure to check out Monster.com, Careerbuilder.com, hotjobs.com, and any other employment sites. Most of them allow you to post a resume under certain keywords, such as ‘meter maid‘ or ‘cashier.’ Expect to get about 15 messages a week from people offering you the opportunity to make FIVE (5!) THOUSAND DOLLARS a month by working at home.

Protip: Craigslist is worthless unless you are looking for a free box of Nation Geographic magazines or to get laid by a fat man.

If you are picky it will be difficult to find a job in your field or near where you live. If you search for something like ‘graphic design‘ in ‘Boston,’ here is what you should be prepared to find

• calling center jobs located in Waltham
• stock positions opening in Salem, New Hampshire
• a photography internship in Hong Kong for no good god damned reason

Just wade through the crap and find that slimy diamond in the middle; a job you might actually want located less than 2 hours away from you.

Cover Letter

Cover letters are an absolute pain in the ass to write. Your goal is to be concise and to express why you are the best person for the position. You want to simultaneously show some class and suck a lot of dick. You don’t want anything more than a page, otherwise you run the risk of boring people. You don’t want the letter to appear too short, otherwise you run the risk of looking like an illiterate hick.

Here is an example of a bad cover letter:

Too many people rely on coffee to start their day. Personally, I do four lines of coke off the back of a hooker before 9am. Hi, future employers! Do you like my joke? I am very good at jokes and as an employee of yours, you can reap those benefits. Hardworking and always smiling? That’s me in a nutshell. Hire me.

First off, do not mention illegal narcotics. Second most, do not mention prostitutes. Thirdly, write more than a paragraph. A good cover letter will offer some recognition of the company and it’s role. By stating a bit about the company you are saying “Yes, I know you exist.” A good cover letter will make reference to aspects of the job description. You want to let them know you cared to read it and that you acknowledge that you cared to read it. A good cover letter will clearly state the skills you possess that will fill the job’s needs. Is this a job as a house painter? Can you stand on a ladder for hours and move your arm in a repetitive motion over and over? Better make note of that!

Last, but not least, a good cover letter will be free of grammatical errors and sexual innuendo.

Resumes

You are going to want to write up a resume. Be sure to lie, but don’t over do it. They know if you did not graduate from Harvard. They can check that shit. You will want to present a well formated resume, that includes relevant skills, your educational history, and your employment history. Be sure to also include your references. Try to chose people who like you such as:

• your uncle
• girlfriend
• your mother
• your grandmother
• your mother’s best friend from her younger days
• a homeless man willing to lie for a shot of JD

Bonus Notes

Do not, under any circumstances, let them see the website you write for. Ever. EVER. Deny, deny, deny. “That is not mine.” Why were they Googling your name to begin with? Why did you use your real name? What is wrong with you? Esspecially in a Livejournal furry community. You are a stupid, sick man.

Closing Arguments

In closing, I’d like to argue that Tom is not guilty of voluntary manslaugh- oh, I mean, in closing, never give up. This is cliché advise, but it is important. When I was sending out resumes, I noticed a 1/10 response. For every 10 resumes I sent out, one place would get back to me just to tell me ‘thank you.’ If you don’t hear back, don’t worry, just keep sending out resumes and always call them a week later as follow up. Don’t go crazy with the phone calls though. You’ll seem like a goddamn stalker.

How about everyone else? What has your experience job hunting taught you? Any advise for those just getting out of school or about to quit their job because it’s super fucking boring and I’m lonely all day?

Dropping the know,
-HP-

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