Your Morning Boost

Posted by HP on March 5, 2008

This past Monday, Travis wrote yet another scathing article about Apple. He wrote about the MacAir and, basically, how useless it is or how small it is or how he only likes fat chicks or something. I urge you to check it out if you have not done so. It just so happens that this week I have also written about apples. It was fate.

I once heard a rumor that apples act as a natural pick-me-up in the morning. You will wake up more promptly with an apple than a cup of coffee. Now, I have never been a fan of coffee, so my caffeinated drink of choice has always been soda. I realize how terrible soda is for you, but it is one of the things that gives me a little sprint in my step. As of writing this, I have not had a soda in over a month, which is pretty good for me considering I was up to two energy drinks before noon.

Without soda I am feeling healthier all around, except that I feel like I am moving in slow motion from the hours of 7am – 6:30pm. That’s almost twelve hours of slow. That’s like an entire day of slowness in one day. I have been trying to find new ways to not kill myself at work and that brings us back to the apple. No, not The Apple, but apples themselves. I could not remember where I heard about this energy booster, so I decided to let the internet lend me a helping hand. I sauntered over to Yahoo! Answers and tripped over these gems:

Yahoo question guyDoes an apple really wake you up better than a cup of coffee? I heard this somewhere, just looking for answers to back it up.

Answer #1 scientificly no an apple does not wake you up better than a cup of has more cafine and thats what gets you up and going.

stupid answer #2If you mean having an apple thrown at you or a cup of coffee poured over you,then my answer is definitely,’No.’

lentiles I hve read that an apple is better for waking a person up than coffee.

bestest answering


no cofee has more cafeen

Rather than chalking those answers up to human stupidity, I decided to make up a story to explain all of that. The local San Diego zoo, home to hundreds of primates, has recently allowed them to have access to laptops fitted with WiFi. Those chimps sure love Yahoo! Answers! Those crazy chimps and their internet! What a gas!

So, I decided that the internet was probably not going to be very helpful, what with the chimpanzees answering all those questions, so I figured that the best thing to do was an experiment.

Aim: I want to see if I am more awake after eating an apple.
Hypothesis: I will just be slightly healthier, but no more awake.
Equipment: One (1) Golden Delicious Apple, my mouth.
Procedure: I am going to eat the apple, then write about it. Right down there:

8:00am I have been at work for 15 minutes and I hate everyone. Typical morning.

8:15am I have begun to eat the apple. It is a Golden Delicious. It is golden and it is delicious.

8:23am I kinda gagged up a bit of apple. I need to chew more thoroughly.

8:36am I took another bite.

8:41am I stopped to type something, so I took another bite.

8:43am The apple is at about 50% eaten. I feel a tingle.

8:51am Apple core. Baltimore. Who’s your friend? You.

8:54am I threw the apple out. Now it is time to wait for that sweet energy payoff.

9:07am Still tired, but focused.

9:22am The apple gave me a belly ache. I keep coughing up chunks and I really need to use the bathroom.

9:45am I just really need to use the bathroom now and my eyes feel heavy, but I guess I am almost not tired.

9:53am I just heard a very loud gurgling coming from my stomach/abdomen area. I’m worried. Let’s come back in an hour and see how I am doing.

11:22am I am still in a tired daze, but I am functioning at a decent level. Maybe this apple worked?

Results: Inconclusive! I do feel a bit more awake, but I am not sure if I can attribute that to the apple I ate. It could be that I worried myself awake by not using the bathroom. Or perhaps I jazzed myself by writing this post. Further studies will be required.

For comparative purposes, here is what a log might look like if I were to have had a soda instead of an apple:

8:00am I have been at work for 15 minutes and I hate everyone. Typical morning.

8:15am I have opened a bottle of Coke and began to drink it.

8:18am I have finished the bottle of Coke.

8:22am I see the gates of Heaven open and a dull warm embraces my body.

8:25am I am ready to take on the day!

8:35am I gain 4 pounds.

So, as the famous Mythbusters might say, “This myth is maybe possible, we guess.” I could do more conclusive experiment and eat 7 apples in the morning, but I think all I’d get is a wicked case of diarrhea. Granted, if I drank 7 sodas in the morning, I’d still get diarrhea, but at least I wouldn’t fall asleep on the toilet!

Well, perhaps there is something I am missing. What do you guys use to wake you up in the morning?

Not iPods,

Don’t forget to plug Obscure Inq’s RSS link into your hungry RSS feeder for a run down of all the ground breaking things we have done this week!

13 Comments to "Your Morning Boost"

  1. Chatter by Travis on 03/5/2008 @ 9:21 am

    Maybe you need a different type of apple? Perhaps a Braeburn or Empire?

    Also, my post wasn’t about how I liked fatties. Jerk.

  2. Chatter by HP on 03/5/2008 @ 10:34 am

    I wrote this before your post was visible to the public.

    Perhaps I do need another type of apple. Maybe I could try different brands and see what they do on a day to day basis and wow I’m bored already…

  3. Chatter by Hippy on 03/5/2008 @ 10:39 am

    I rub one out on your mom, that wakes me up pretty well. Actualy I think an apple should wake you up as it has a lot of simple sugar, which you can matabalize quickly. Maybe your just so used to Coke that you can’t handel that golden delicious.
    Also, travis loves fatties.

  4. Chatter by Ashley on 03/5/2008 @ 11:46 am

    I am strangely awake in my 8am class….but I am also engaged in it. It’s a good course and I participate. I find that being actively engaged in work helps me to wake up and the time passes more quickly.

    But I also know that your job isn’t well…..engaging…..and I know it’s something that you’re not extremely excited about…. :-\

    But that’s what helps me……Angela usually settles on a cup of coffee….and if she doesn’t get it….that’s a BAAAAD day.

  5. Chatter by Sarah on 03/5/2008 @ 12:02 pm

    coffee is the way to go!

  6. Chatter by Ashley on 03/5/2008 @ 6:39 pm

    Sarah you crazy. 😉

  7. Chatter by AnnieB on 03/5/2008 @ 8:54 pm

    Oh man, clearly you need more replicate trials. With an N of 1 you have really low power to test your null hypothesis. Duh.

    I wake up to a big cup of coffee. Interestingly, it does the same thing to my bowels as apples do. So the real hypothesis to test is, do substances that make you shit instantly wake you up faster than those that don’t?

  8. Chatter by HP on 03/5/2008 @ 9:57 pm

    Annie, I don’t know what any of that mean ‘cept the pooping part.
  9. Chatter by Tucker on 03/6/2008 @ 12:06 am


  10. Chatter by Larry on 03/6/2008 @ 1:22 am

    Personally, I do four lines of coke off the back of a hooker before 9 a.m.

    Hi, future employers! Do you like my joke?

  11. Chatter by Tom on 03/6/2008 @ 12:48 pm

    Larry: Joke? I assumed that was the second line of your cover letter for jobs (the first being “Too many people rely on coffee to start their day”).
  12. Chatter by HP on 03/11/2008 @ 10:01 am

    Okay, well, drugs, drugs, coffee, and drugs. You guys are so helpful.
  13. Chatter by Antto on 03/28/2008 @ 2:23 am

    mm well i gues u dont wanna know what i have for breakfast for some reason everyone finds it odd…and a bit gross so nevermind..
    but if u wanna get awayken and have energy and gain no pounds at all…i recomend a little orange fuzzy-bubble pill called Zupradyn by roche..that thing rocks!


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