XXL Childhoodie

With the upcoming release of Super Smash Brothers Brawl, I find myself drifting back to my childhood. Much like many children of the 80s, I was raised with a Nintendo hooked to the television. I have vivid memories of running through the rain with my Super Metroid strategy guide in hand. I have fond memories of pulling up turnips in Super Mario Bros. 2 and slaying Moblins in the Legend of Zelda. And I am still trying to forget how much time I spent curling up and dying on that blasted dam in the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game. It was an innocent time, when no one would dare to make the claim that a video game was the reason I wanted to punch my little brothers.

It is now about two decades later and Nintendo’s mascots have been made to fight for our amusement. You might say this is a reflection of the darker times we live in. Or you might just say they’re doing it because it’s funny and leave it at that. However, we live in a time of school shootings, teenage sex scandals, and gang violence. Childhood seems to get shorter and shorter every year, doesn’t it?

No. The answer is no. It’s time to take off your rose-tinted glasses. Now put them in your back pocket. Good. Now sit down on them. They’re ugly and you don’t need them. Childhood has never been so long. Imagine being a young boy in ancient Japan. Guess who’s going to get some man-boy love once you get around age 10. That sure doesn’t sound too child friendly. Perhaps we could even look at the industrial revolution, when children as young as 5 would be put to work in the coal mines or in mills. All part of growing up, I guess. Even before that, children were used as tools for manual on family farms. You would knock your wife up ten times and hope that enough of those kids survived to run the farm for cheap.

Having a “childhood” seems to be a relatively recent idea, something new to last century. Children were often just treated as “little adults,” with needs no different than your Uncle Ned except that the children drank less. In fact, I might even argue that it is now acceptable to be a child for a longer period of time. Let’s look at Super Smash Brothers. Here we have about three dozen cartoons and mascots fighting each other for our amusement. We have movies about comic book characters grossing over tens of millions of dollars. We’ve got Dane Cook, who’s whole career acting like a gigantic fucking manchild. Then we have each and every goon over at SomethingAwful, people who would sell their mother for a new anime wall scroll or a vintage action figure.

I suppose we could take myself as an example. If I were born in the late 1800s, I would have been mangled in the internal workings of a textile factory. If I were born in ancient Greece, I am sure I would have been cornholed by a scholar or two. Yet, here I am, in the 21st Century. I spent 3 hours last night fighting mascot against mascot, giggling the whole time. While on the phone with my girlfriend, I was readjusted the Batman figurine next to my alarm clock to appear in a “less gay” pose. I am in my early twenties and I still get thoroughly geeked out when I hear news about the latest Batman movie.

My point isn’t exactly that I am a giant manchild, but rather it ties into what Jake wrote yesterday (remember to check that page curl at the top of the website). I believe in having fun. The line between adulthood and childhood is blurred now. I don’t think it should be a problem for an adult to enjoy the simpler things in life. I do, however, think it is a problem when someone bitches and moans about the “good old days” and how terrible the youth of today are. The elders from thousands of years back have been complaining about it and I guarantee that when we get older, we’ll whine the same way. In closing, here is a quote from Socrates to show you how everyone complains about the younger generation and should probably shut up:

The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.

Gobblin’ dainties,
-HP-

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Also, check out Obscure Inq this week. I guess the interview is with me. And be sure to check out the whole line up each day of the week.