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Epic Listings

Posted by ZSN on March 19, 2008

Tom’s Awesome List of Totally Epic Things to Do Before He Dies (Epically)

I’m sure you’ve all seen the movies where there are a couple of middle aged/old people who go and have the time of their (now increasingly short) lives, doing all the things that they never got to do in life. Well, I say: screw that. Why wait until I’m terminally senile and overly emotional to get a list like that together? So, before your very eyes, I would like to present my own (epic) list:Epic!

  1. Rock stardom
  2. Drink whiskey…while skydiving
  3. Compete in the Iditarod, using a rocket sled
  4. Win enough Oscars to weigh down a medium-sized yacht
  5. Blow up a medium-sized yacht
  6. Buy an island in the Caribbean
  7. Install a gigantic water-slide park that covers half of said island. The other half will be hot tubs, outdoor concerts, and no less than 5 bouncy castles.
  8. Be a Ghostbuster
  9. Gain (awesome) superpowers (like turning invisible and teleportation) from some sort of industrial waste accident/cosmic event/scientific catastrophe/dubious reasoning (I’m looking at you, Stan Lee)
  10. Write Burn Your Way to the Top: How to Succeed in Life Through Setting Everyone on Fire
  11. Win a Pulitzer for Burn Your Way to the Top
  12. Found a new country (Sociotopia), invade a couple others, rule my empire with an iron but understanding fist (The Socio-Empire)
  13. Be John Malcovich
  14. Jump a flaming dump truck over a row of school buses full of puppies, kittens, babies, and nuns (and/or grandmas, depending on where the jump takes place)
  15. Play Monopoly in a pool full of money, while sipping 50 year old scotches, and wearing a top hat and monocle
  16. Sword fight on the Great Wall of China. With an electrified umbrella-sword.Nature's Perfect Predator
  17. Stop the Rock
  18. Stuff a nerd into Davy Jones’s locker
  19. Invent and breed a flying laser shark, and build an army of them
  20. Naked photo shoot with world’s hottest supermodel, aboard the Space Station

—————-

HP’s Totally Radical List of Things to Do Before He Dies

  1. Beat up someone whilst dressed as Batman
  2. Delude himself into thinking he’s Batman
  3. Become Batman
  4. Release hit solo album “Why is Bitches Ain’t Easy?!”
  5. Never poop again
  6. Start a religion or two
  7. Destroy life as we know it
  8. Make a pizza
  9. Explode
  10. Write a guide about making pizza.

Well, I can achieve at least one of those lofty goals today! Here is a brand new guide on:

How To Make a Pizza

In 10 easy steps!

Step 1
Get sort of hungry.

Step 2
Buy the necessary ingredients to make a pizza, such as:

  • Pizza dough
  • flour
  • cheese
  • tomato sauce
  • more cheese
  • extras: peppers, pepperoni, onions

Step 3
Ask Travis how long you should cook a pizza for.

Step 4
Ask Travis at what temperature the oven should be set for.

Step 5
Tell Travis your oven sucks and you don’t have a pizza stone. Ask him what do I do?

Step 6
Put the pizza together. Remember, it goes dough, sauce, cheese, toppings, heat. Not sauce, dough, cheese, toppings, heat, tears.

Step 7
After preheating the oven to 450 degrees for 10 minutes, put the pizza in the oven.

pizza in oven

Step 8
Wish Travis was around to tell you why it smells like scrambled eggs when you cook your pizza.

Step 9
Ignore all of Travis’ directions and burn your fingers while poking the pizza. Leave it in for 10 more minutes because the inside is still doughy.

Step 10
Pizza! Pizza… Pizza?

Damn it.

20 minutes later…

good pizza

Pizza!

Hope you all enjoyed these lists. Tell us (in the comments), what sorts of things do you want to get done before you die?

-ZSN-

posted under: Check This Out, Epic, Geek, drinking, foodstuffs, gamin' | 11 comments

11 Comments to "Epic Listings"

  1. Chatter by Dan on 03/19/2008 @ 6:13 am

    Hm…

    Dan’s Top Reasons Why He Is Better Than Chris

    I can beat him in SSBB with Ganondorf
    I can beat him in SSBB with Metaknight
    I can beat him in SSBB with Wolf
    I can beat him in SSBB with DK
    I can beat him in SSBB with R.O.B.
    I can beat him in SSBB with Lucario

    Not the most exciting list, but I don’t care. It’s factual.

  2. Chatter by Travis on 03/19/2008 @ 7:38 am

    Might I just say that your pizza making guide sucks? Also, that is waaaaay too much dough on the tray. You need to spread that shit out man.

    I’m totally not going to put enough thought into this list but here it goes:

    Drive a Ferrari
    Build a car
    Build a house
    Have a tamed Tiger that I will call Wrinkles
    Re-enact one scene from any James Bond movie in real life
    Find a good rehab facility for Tom
    Find a pizza cook book for HP

  3. Chatter by HP on 03/19/2008 @ 9:16 am

    Travis RE: pizza – I like a thick crust (plus my tray was kind of small). The thick crusted areas cooked fine and wre actually kind of good. It was the middle, where the crust was less than a quarter of an inch thick, where the pizza failed.

    Dan RE: being a girl – you are a girl. A little girl. You cannot beat me (consistently). I’d play you online, but the lag makes SSBB as speedy as a game of chess.

  4. Chatter by Will on 03/19/2008 @ 9:24 am

    Well for starters…

    Aquire a human child

    Pee on something famous

    Build exact replica of the American Gladiators set

    Establish my dominance

    Teach the world that Drew Barrymore is not attractive (seriously the hottest she’s ever looked was in E.T.)

    Have some fruit loops

    Now Travis… is it required that you be Bond one of these re-enacted scenes or would you settle for donning a white two-piece and emerging from the ocean (sea shell in hand) in all of your glory?

  5. Chatter by Travis on 03/19/2008 @ 2:58 pm

    I do not want to shame Ursula Andress or her sweet, sweet name by doing such a rude and uncouth thing.

    But I am taking auditions for the role if you would like to try out? Call me. You’ve got my digits.

  6. Chatter by Katy on 03/19/2008 @ 3:33 pm

    Very interesting lists. Here are a few of mine:

    Make a pizza better then HP’s.

    Hike all the 4000 foot mountains in NE and then make another list to climb.

    Build a sail boat and learn to sail.

    Then build a better sail boat (the first one will probably sink!) and sail around the world.

    Become a professional muse (minus the whole toga thing, that is sooo B.C.)

  7. Chatter by Ashley on 03/19/2008 @ 9:06 pm

    Hmmm……a short list of things for right now, it changes like, everyday….LOL

    —Own a horse. Number one goal in life.

    —Get a job that doesn’t suck and covers my health insurance…that’d be awesome. thanks.

    —Own a boat, sail it around for a bit and then sell it to some poor, poor soul

    —Own a puppy

    —Own a goat

    —Family of my own would be cool too…..

    —Help HP make pizza muffins. ;-)

    S’all I got for now….

  8. Chatter by Tom on 03/20/2008 @ 10:39 am

    Ashley, I read that as “Own my own family” at first, and chuckled.
  9. Chatter by Dan on 03/24/2008 @ 1:57 pm

    Um…

    Go to New Zealand and or Germany

    Buy my own house within 5 years

    Get a dog

    Get eaten by a giant shark, then years later when the shark has been caught for a new record, jump out through it’s stomach screaming “BEOWULF!”

    Find half gallon cartons of yoo-hoo at stop & shop

    Beat Tom in Das Boot Drinking Contest using our new 2 liter glass boots

    Also, perhaps I could send Chris a Pizza Making Guide inside a smash bros manual, because he doesn’t know how to do either apparently.

  10. Chatter by HP on 03/24/2008 @ 2:45 pm

    My Smash Brothing is impeccable. My pizza is mostly foiled by poor tools. I will be taking donations for a pizza stone.
  11. Chatter by Dan on 03/24/2008 @ 7:51 pm

    i dont have, nor ever had a pizza stone and my pizza comes out fine- in fact better than fine. comes out Dantastic!

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