A ZSN Guide to Trees

No, this is not about deciduous vs evergreen vs on fire. No, this is a guide to Christmas trees. The kind of tree that you probably should have already picked up, and decorated, but you haven’t because you’re lazy and/or hate Christmas. No fear! I am here to help you solve your problem, via a few tips and tricks I have learned in my years of becoming a Christmas Afficionadoâ„¢.

Location, Location, Location – You need to find a place with trees. Obviously, the best thing you can do is go to a place called something like “Bob the Lumberjack’s Ranch ‘o Christmas Trees,” as they will have an enormous selection, and expertise (well…expertise with chopping trees back down, at least). This ensures fresh, full trees. Of course, now it’s the 23rd, and you’re reading a guide to finding a Christmas tree, so perhaps Bob is not going to be your best bet anymore. No, you’re going to have to hit up your local National Hardware Chain store, and choose from a selection even Charlie Brown would turn away from. Or you could always just take a saw and head to your local park. You know, whatever. Just make sure that it’ll probably fit in your house somewhere, and then scare off the squirrels. You’ll be fine.

Decorations – Christmas tree decorations fall into a broad range of categories, from “family heirlooms” to a “Popsicle stick and glue accident your child had in kindergarten.” Which is to say nothing of all the glass ornaments that break when you look at them for too long, or the tacky Hallmark figurines you’re bound to receive as a present from someone that doesn’t understand what makes a good present. Oh, and don’t forget the lights! What would Christmas be without lights? Christmas lights should cover the tree in such a way as to make it glow while minimizing dark spots, so that when something shorts circuits the tree can catch fire with maximum efficiency. When you’re all set with lights and ornaments, don’t forget the tinsel! The word “tinsel” comes from the Greek tin, meaning “cat,” and sel, meaning “ass floss.” The best thing to do with tinsel is cover as much as the tree as you possibly can with it, and then laugh warmly as your pet/baby/pet baby tries to eat all of the tinsel in reach.

Tree Removal – When all is said and done, you will have a large tree in your living room. If you’re not familiar with nature, it’s worth noting now that trees do not normally appear in living rooms. Once you’ve removed the decorations from it, just toss the tree out the window, set it on fire, and chug some leftover eggnog.

Merry Christmas!

O Tannenbaum,
Tom