In this modern interconnected age, it’s easy to be friends with people halfway across the world. You can track band tour dates, get back in touch with people you haven’t seen in two decades (for good reasons), or see political links from comic writers in a different hemisphere. Alternatively, you can get drunk/high and post pictures of you in that state for future potential employers to see. There’s something for everyone! But which service do you use? Well, I’m here to help.

Facebook

Use if:

1. You’re a dumb college student.
2. You’re a dumb highschool student.
3. You’re a parent of a dumb student, of either highschool or college levels.

What to do while there:

Facebook’s main attraction is that it’s convenient to get in touch with classmates or people you want to stalk (ie, attractive classmates). Well, that and Farmville. But, fuck Farmville. I guess you can play that game if you’re into stupid games on Facebook, but I will not promote that idea. Other things you can do on Facebook include setting up parties and then posting pictures of those parties, where there are sure to be poorly lit incriminating photos of you and the people that used to trust you out there for anyone to see. Including your mom and boss.

MySpace

Use if:

1. You’re a pedophile
2. You’re a total ho-bag (male or female)
3. You’re a band
4. Your body could be described as “blimp-like”

What to do while there:

MySpace is sort of the older, uglier cousin of Facebook. It’s the one no one likes to admit to knowing, but everyone will favorably compare themselves to anyway. It’s the domain of dumb teenagers and the homeless men that have to register with watch lists that log in at libraries. Teenagers, it might be said, that are generally five hundred pounds and emo. Then again, MySpace is also the domain of bands. So if you want to track a band’s tours, that’s generally a good place to look. Otherwise, avoid it like you avoid the girl at the bar that has a better mustache than you.

Twitter

Use if:

1. You have ADD
2. You have ADHD

What to do while there:

Twitter has what is probably the worst website ever designed since Geocities ruled the day. So don’t do anything there except follow people and block bots, otherwise your eyes will melt, your palms will go hairy and your mother will turn into a newt. Or maybe that’s when you masturbate? Twitter’s basically e-masturbation, so it probably applies. The important thing here is to remember that most of what gets said is stupid and pointless, so if you’re down for stupid and pointless, then go for it. While you’re there, check out Warren Ellis (who uses hilariously angry language) or Stan Lee (who is batshit insane).

LiveJournal

Use if:

1. You’re an emo teenager
2. You want to connect with emo teenagers
3. You like starting drama with emo teenagers

What to do while there:

Live Journal is based off the principal that everyone has something interesting to say (a similar principle to Twitter, except Live Journal gives them much, much more space to say it in). The obvious, glaring problem with this principal is that the only people who want to use this site to say anything are emo teenagers, and the emo teenagers that have LJ feuds with them (which is sort of like losing in the Special Olympics). Most people you know have probably had a Live Journal account at one point in their lives, and most of them probably don’t like to think about that. They certainly won’t want to admit to it. But hey, if you enjoy writing down private thoughts in a place where literally anyone can see them, and then getting into fights because of them, Live Journal’s for you!

Hot-or-Not

Use if:

1. Adult Friend Finder isn’t shallow enough, but you don’t want to stoop to Craigslist

What to do while there:

Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with you?

There you have it. A bunch of the major social networking sites, broken down into simple points for you. If you have any suggestions about what else can be done at these terrifying places, let us know in the comments!

My Twitter feed’s on the front page,
Tom