Posted by Tom on November 9, 2006

Well, it's November here at the Sociodome, as it is in most other places that aren't France. Which, for those of you paying attention might realize, means that I'm crawling out from my dark hiding place to actually update again. Only at night, though. For the sun…it burns….
First order of business is my newest poem, Miracle. It's sitting right over in the poety section of our site, waiting for you to go read and comment on it. So head on over. Right now. Go. I'll wait, I promise. 
Oh, you're back? Fantastic. Then we can get on with things. Next up: turns out we have a laundromat about, oh, 30 seconds from our apartment. Thirty, horrific, soaking-wet with acidic rain that was evaporated from the very lakes of Hell seconds, but thirty seconds nonetheless. It's behind Javier Market, and is called, no lie: the Laundro-Wash. God I love this neighborhood.
I saw a headline today, while waiting in the China Ocean for my foodstuffs, that read "Bush's Party Over: Dems Reclaim Congress." That made me very, very happy to read. I leave it at that.
In the realm of movies: you have alot to go see. The Prestige, The Departed, Saw III, and Borat. Go see every single one, and then report back here. Well, okay, finish reading and then go see all of those.
Everybody has problems in the game of love. We know this, it's accepted and understood. But, some people, they seem to spectacularly fail at it, regularly. Two of those people are myself and my illustrious roomate, Chris. I have yet to find Speedbowling's help in this area of my life, but I have faith. I mean, instead of running straight into a brick wall, I'm at least doing it at three times the speed now, so that's got to be an improvement. Well, in any case, to help us understand the mysteries of dealing with members of the fairer sex, we invited a few friends over (you might know them, a Mr. J Cuervo was there, for one) and had a group discussion. Which, naturally, needed to involve home-made nachos. Now that is a recipe for success (and strange, strange dreams), so the discussions moved onto the suckage of the fairer sex (no offense to the whole 3 women out there who don't suck), which meant that we eventually gave birth to The Perfect Woman discussion. And thusly, we have: pie charts! First up is mine, since I'm the one writing the damned post. The precipice of it all is simple: how much of what needs to be combined to make my perfect woman? I feel the unspoken rule, of course, is that she has to be an actual, biological woman, so saying something like "35% chick" was, I feel…moot. Thereforr, my list is as follows, listed in ascending order:
5% Batshit Crazy
5% Next Generation Video Game Systems
10% Zombie Huntress
15% Pizza
15% Relaxed, easy-going sense of humor
25% Rock & Art
25% Irish Whiskey

And, of course, what list is complete without a pie chart? I thank Chris for the picture, becuase if I attempted it, well, I'd probably end up with a dodecahedron chart or something.
Tom's Perfect Woman
 Do I need to explain myself? Really? Fine. Goddamn kids and their damn rap music…Okay, well, anyone who's ever spent a day with me knows that, at times, I just go totally and completely insane, hence the woman needing to be able to join in (Batshit Crazy), and contain the ability to roll with it and life (relaxed thing). The Next Gen systems, well…fuckin..come on! Gyroscope controllers? Dual processors? Better graphics than the real world? Who doesn't want that? Pizza is just about one of the greatest foods every conceived, and Irish Whiskey is the greatest alcohol I've ever partaken in. Ever. If she is a quarter of that stuff, than I will never need to visit another Booze Wench again. The Rock & Art is something that I've been seriously lacking in my girlfriends, and yet it's something I keep finding in all of the girls I become really good friends with. WTF? It's time for a change, mofos, and this change will include rocking out to the music in our collective heads. And, finally, the Zombie Huntress. That's important. Can't get through the impending Apocalypse without it.
Now you may be wondering, "Gee Tom, that's swell, but where's Chris's?" Well, it can be find right here, behind his nifty pie-chart. Go see his descriptions, and be impressed! Be saddened! Be confused! Just go do it!
 HP's Perfect Woman 
Well, I guess that's it for now. In the next update, we'll hopefully be able to discuss life with a sofa (as we have one coming into our life soon), the impending third roomate, and Chris's new job. Or, Chris's attempt and failure at a job, and the subsequent night of making our nervous systems shut off. Either way, it'll be a hoot! 

45 Comments to "Novembish"

  1. Chatter by ChrisHP on 11/9/2006 @ 3:46 am

    #1 You covered a lot in that post.
    #2 I need a woman. Checking those goddamn Romanian mail order bride sites. The kind Law and Order taught us about.
    #3 I should know about the job tomorrow. Regardless of the news, I’m going to get shitass-face-pink-sock-making drunk tomorrow. I just hope it’s happy shitass-face-pink-sock-making drunk, rather than depressed shitass-face-pink-sock-making drunk.
  2. Chatter by Carrie on 11/9/2006 @ 11:15 am

    You know who I think that “perfect woman” sounds like? Well…I won’t say it 😛

  3. Chatter by Mike on 11/9/2006 @ 3:19 pm

    All I took away from this post was I need some pie…fast.

  4. Chatter by Mommy Dan on 11/10/2006 @ 2:49 pm

    I will explain to you how the Speedbowl way of life gets you a woman. However, Speedbowl does not use love- so this may not be what you are looking for. You see, most love takes time, so it is not Speedbowl. Love in Speedbowl takes like 5 minutes and requires like $50. So get $50 if you want and find someone and then give it to them. Love is not a big part of Speedbowl as one can imagine.

    Also, from Chris’ pie chart, I get the notion that Chris really wants to marry a Cable Telivision and Computer.


    Oh yes, and Mike, I and Kyle (see what I did thar Tom?) will problem go to Taco Bell and get a Mexican Pie, or maybe a Pizza Pie. Thanks a lot jerks.

  5. Chatter by Mommy Dan on 11/10/2006 @ 7:46 pm

    Also, that “Batsh*t Crazy” comment… is that from Gears of War? Since one of the characters says it.

  6. Chatter by Am on 11/10/2006 @ 8:27 pm

    Perhaps you picked the wrong girls to date…..sometimes lol! Oh and being Ape-shit Crazy is better!!!!

    Trust me………. 😛

  7. Chatter by ChrisHP on 11/10/2006 @ 8:37 pm

    This “gear of war” fascinates me. One day, when i am a millionaire and can afford a 360 and a game for it, i might play it.
    Speedbowl love is a much easier thing than real life. We all need some speedbowl in our hearts.
  8. Chatter by Mommy Dan on 11/11/2006 @ 2:45 am

    Ape-sh*t crazy sucks. Apes fling their crap. Bats hang on a ceiling and let it drop to the ground. You have fun throwing feces Am-bam. See what I did there?

  9. Chatter by Am on 11/11/2006 @ 3:16 am

    Yeah Dan-pan!!! You made a rhyme! 😮

  10. Chatter by Mike on 11/11/2006 @ 1:27 pm

    No time for chat. Must continue fighting Lambent Wretches and Berserker in my own particular idiom!!!

  11. Chatter by ChrisHP on 11/11/2006 @ 5:37 pm

    I feel i must respond to a few things.
    Danny: I don’t want to date a cable TV and a computer. You don’t need cable to watch SVU, basic is fine.
    Amber: You can make bowls with bat shit. Haven’t you seen Ace Ventura 2?
    Mike: I don’t know whats ya said, but I likes the way it sounds. March forward, onward, and, mayhaps, even leftward!
  12. Chatter by Mommy Dan on 11/11/2006 @ 5:55 pm

    Sorry one they call Amber. While Am-bam may rhyme, that is not all I did there. NOW ONWARD TO XBOX LIVE!!! PEOPLE NEED TO BE CHAINSAWED!!!

  13. Chatter by Am on 11/12/2006 @ 5:06 am

    Dan you’re so weird……………….. 😮

  14. Chatter by Mommy Dan on 11/12/2006 @ 5:30 pm

    Weird? No? Weird? Yes! BWAHAHAHA!!! Now I need a fake ID to rent Ultra Porn!

  15. Chatter by Am on 11/12/2006 @ 6:12 pm

    Ultra porn eh? So you is that what you do all day is watch porn and kill zombies…… 😛


  16. Chatter by Tom on 11/12/2006 @ 6:16 pm

    Oh Amber, you seem to be mistaken. It’s not porn, it’s ultraporn. Combined with the Zombies of Awesome, it makes for one hell of a night.

    It’s okay, though. We know you’re jealous. All you want to do is watch and participate in ultraporn, and you’re stuck at frat houses with no camera. It’s okay, your day will come soon.

    And the football team will continue to until then.

  17. Chatter by Am on 11/12/2006 @ 6:21 pm


    No I like my ultra porn free life!!!

  18. Chatter by ChrisHP on 11/12/2006 @ 6:24 pm

    Denial of ultraporn is merely an invitation for the ultraporn fairy to come and visit. And he runs a train.
  19. Chatter by Tom on 11/12/2006 @ 6:39 pm

    His train is the Pink Line. It runs parrallel to the Hershey Highway, but the ride is smoother. And much cheaper.

    Also, Amber: did you mean you like your ultraporn free for life? ‘Cuz if so: where did you find ultraporn, and how was it free?

  20. Chatter by Jessie on 11/13/2006 @ 12:23 am

    your standards for women are simultaneously very low and completely impossible to meet. That is awesome.

    Ok, let’s see how I measure up on the Perfect Woman Chart.

    I am definitely 15% pizza. Maybe more. It depends on what percent of my body is made of fat, and whatever that percent is is the amount of me which is pizza, since it is all I eat.

    Rock and Art? I rock. And I’m artistic. That better count, fucker.

    Relaxed, easy-going sense of humor. I own this category. Well, that depends on whether or not “awkwardly-timed and offensive” counts as “relaxed and easy-going.” And it should. Despite it being the exact opposite.

    I’m not a Wii, but those aren’t out yet. I don’t have an XBox 360, because they’re expensive and I have no current income. Sry, I fail this one. But I do LIKE next generation consoles! In theory.

    Irish Whiskey rules, but it doesn’t take up 25% of my life now that I’m going to meetings again. That reminds me, I’m on step 9, so, sorry about your dog.

    I am 100% Zombie Huntress. Or at the very least, I finished Resident Evil 4 twice. They weren’t technically zombies, but still.

    And I’m only writing this incredibly long comment because I’m trying to avoid working on my novel. I happen to be 15 thousand words behind schedule.

    God help me.

    Anyway, do I win?

  21. Chatter by ChrisHP on 11/13/2006 @ 3:30 pm

    You win… Tom’s hand in marriage! I’ve coated Tom’s pillows in chloroform and I have a large, Tom-sized box waiting for UPS. And now… we wait.
  22. Chatter by Mommy Dan on 11/14/2006 @ 6:09 pm

    Ya know. I highly doubt Am-bam knows what Ultraporn is. If she did, they she know damn well it is not free, and would also know why you need an I.D.

  23. Chatter by Mike on 11/14/2006 @ 10:39 pm

    (Punches Chris in the throat, over the Internet)


  24. Chatter by ChrisHP on 11/14/2006 @ 10:54 pm

    Ow my throat!
  25. Chatter by Mike on 11/15/2006 @ 11:02 am

    Sorry, I was just trying to break the chain of awkward comments.

  26. Chatter by Am on 11/15/2006 @ 11:49 am

    No….I don’t know what Ultra porn is… I’m sad to say……

    So… is it 😮

  27. Chatter by Mommy Dan on 11/15/2006 @ 3:59 pm

    One time, I was hiding behind a desk and I got shotgunned from behind. My body exploded and I started to cry. Then Mike reminded me it was just a video game, and that I wasn’t really dead. I want to believe him, but how do I know that Mike isn’t also dead, and that’s why he can talk to me?

  28. Chatter by Mike on 11/15/2006 @ 4:26 pm

    (Punches Danny in the throat)


  29. Chatter by ChrisHP on 11/15/2006 @ 5:24 pm

    Hmm.. well, Mike’s theory of one’s game self not effecting his real self sounds plausible. But Danny’s theory that Mike is also a ghost sounds equally plausible. But Mike’s counter argument of “JUMANJI!!!” Sealed the deal. Mike wins.
  30. Chatter by Am on 11/15/2006 @ 5:57 pm

    Sounds cool……… :\

  31. Chatter by Mommy Dan on 11/15/2006 @ 6:08 pm

    Yeah, but Mike didn’t win the game. Tom was supposed to say Jumaji.

  32. Chatter by Mommy Dan on 11/15/2006 @ 6:54 pm

    Oh crap! I meant Jumanji.

  33. Chatter by ChrisHP on 11/15/2006 @ 7:32 pm

    Well, we know who lost. And it was Danny. And Amber, because her slanty face-think implies confusion.
    And I lose too. Because I haven’t done anything for 2 days.
  34. Chatter by Mommy Dan on 11/15/2006 @ 8:40 pm

    In Jumanji, everyone wins as long as someone wins. Unless someone dies before there is a winner. I wonder, If 5 people played the game, and 4 people died, would the last person be the winner? Could he just say Jumanji? Or would he have to continue rolling until he won? Also, if a person did die, does the game realize this? Or is the world doomed since it not cannot continue. All stories aside, Jumanji is a scary concept.

  35. Chatter by Mommy Dan on 11/15/2006 @ 8:44 pm

    I motion you set up a page for mindless banter. That way you don’t expect actual comments from your updates.

  36. Chatter by ChrisHP on 11/15/2006 @ 10:42 pm

    Motion denied. Every page is a page for mindless banter.
  37. Chatter by Jessie on 11/16/2006 @ 10:06 am

    If Jumanji was played like Monopoly, I’d be fucked.

    “Give me 600 bucks.”

    “Uhm, I’ll have to mortgage something…”


    “Oh, wait, I passed go, so I have the money–”

    “Sorry, too late.”


    I’m avoiding work again. Give me something more amusing to do and I’ll stop writing awkwardly long comments to strangers.

  38. Chatter by Chris HP on 11/16/2006 @ 1:21 pm

    As a note, I am at some sort of “work” right now… using Safari on Mac OX X. This comment page looks like crap. Somehow, the div classes don’t close and each comment’s font just keeps getting bigger and BIGGER! It’s insane!

  39. Chatter by Mike on 11/16/2006 @ 3:26 pm

    (Punches Chris again in the throat)


  40. Chatter by ChrisHP on 11/16/2006 @ 7:02 pm

    Why do I keep getting punched?

    By the way, I totally closed the div class right there. There you go Safari viewers, you freaks.

  41. Chatter by Am on 11/16/2006 @ 8:07 pm

    There is too much going on in this post!!!! But apparently I still win! 😮


    Also your current unemployment means you can fiddle with your web page more HP! 😛

  42. Chatter by Tom on 11/17/2006 @ 2:16 am

    Amber, the only thing you win is shame.
  43. Chatter by ChrisHP on 11/17/2006 @ 2:20 am

    Mad diggity shame! No diggity, no doubt (uh huh). Yeah (uh huh).
  44. Chatter by Am on 11/17/2006 @ 5:50 am

    Sweet I got a Prize too! 😛


  1. Zero Shared Nickels » The First Annual ZSN Speedbowl and Pink Sock Awards

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