An Open Letter to Michael Bay

Dear Michael Bay,I recently saw Transformers 2: Secret of the Ooze Revenge of the Fallen. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it a great deal. It was a fun movie. A lot of it didn’t make any damn sense, of course. But I don’t go to your movies to watch in-depth plotlines, superb acting, or (frankly) things that  make a whole lot of sense. I go to escape the monotony of regular life with huge robots and huger explosions. You did not disappoint. In fact, I already feel a slight tingle at the thought of the inevitable  Transformers 3. A tingle in a good way.

There are a few things that concern me about the series, though. Nothing major. I just simply have a few tips that, if you follow,  should make Transformers 3: Transform With a Vengeance (I’m assuming that’s the name you’ll use. Other subtitle ideas I’m willing to offer for free are Robots Telling Lies, We Thought of New Toys, and Megan Fox Has a Topless Scene. Please use wisely at your discretion, and no false advertising) the best damn movie based on Hasbro this side of Toy Story.

1) 86% more explosions

2) I like Shia LeBeouf, he works well as a foil for giant fighting robots. But when robots are punching each other, please focus more on that, and less on Shia hiding under a tree.

3) More trash talking/head ripping Optimus Prime.

4) Next time you go for a world record for blowing shit the fuck up, keep the camera out wide, so I can see everything turn to shit

5) No one actually cares about Sam’s parents. You’re allowed to drop them now, they served their purpose.

6) Don’t let Megan Fox act. Seriously, instead of having her talk next time, just have her run around sweaty in slow motion more. Trust me here.

7) You know what? Fuck it, just have her be as topless as possible in a PG-13 movie. Or naked as possible. Side boob, ass glimpse – we know you can do it, Michael. Get on that.

8 ) Right after she’s topless/nude, blow something up.

9) Lay off the black stereotypes. You’ve done that twice now. How about a ricer Transformer with spinners and a Mexican accent? Or maybe a green one that constantly sounds drunk and speaks with an Irish brogue? There’s a whole world of racist undertones out there, don’t let yourself be pigeonholed.

10) I’m not going to ouright suggest you have zombie/Nazi Transformers, but I’m not going to suggest against using a Panzer as a transformed mode, either.

Well, Michael, that should be all. I’ll see you in July 2011 at Wang’s for the grand premiere of Transformers 3: Boobs, Big Robots, and Blowing Shit Up.

Hollywood here I come,
Tom