ZSN.com had a good 5 year run. In those five years, Tom and I produced a lot of content. Don’t let the fact that we aren’t updating dissuade you from searching through the archives. I’ll even make it easy for you. Here are some of our more popular posts

Wisdom

• Tom’s Guide to Hobos - We learn about the hobo genius.
• The City Living Guides – A few ways to survive in the Big City™
• Dr. Love’s Guide to Dating Men
• Dr. Love’s Guide to Dating Women
• The Nerd Rage Support Group

Drinking

• Drink Spectacular #1 - We make awful shots, you watched and laugh at us.
• Drink Spectacular #2 – We make more terrible shots, you laugh more.
• Halloween Drink Spectacular - Halloween themed, costumes and all!

Videos

• Cooking with Wilber: Speedy Chicken Dinner
• Cooking with Wilber: Hotdogkabob
• Cooking with Wilber: Pretzels
• Cooking with Wilber: Pizza Muffins
• Action Mike’s Awesome Adventure

The Rest

• Inane Vernacular and other chatlog related posts.
• Mike’s Tales from Stop & Shop and other retail posts.
• Thank You For Choosing IKEA
• A Freudian Look At the Super Mario Brothers
• Headlines Your Never Want to See
• The InnSeason Scandal

This is just a small sampling of everything we have posted in the last 5 years. Take a look through our archives. And don’t forget to check out our new projects, Time with Tom and HyphenSite. See you then!

Goodbye, you horrid little people.
|

2001

I started Zero Shared Nickels a little over nine years ago. It was nothing like it is now. Back then it was a stupid little email ‘zine that a lonely teenager would send out periodically to about 60 email addresses (30 bounced). It was a time in my life when I would replace S’s with Z’s and type in alternating capitols. At face value, it was a bunch of wacky random crap thrown together, but in reality it chronicled my depression, my happiness, my complaints, and my growth.

“It’s always darkest before it goes completely black.” That’s always good to know. I always get confused and when it gets dark I scream, “AH! MY EYES! ITS TOO BRIGHT!” Then i run around crying and tripping over things. - ZSN #12,  June ’01

2004

I gave up on the ‘zine because it was becoming a drag to write. My college girlfriend had a habit of analyzing everything I did, wrote, or said.  She would dissected my actions and leave them in bloody piles on my dorm room floor (which is a very vague metaphor for “get mad at me all the time”). I finally couldn’t take the scrutiny, so I stopped. After spending a summer living with her, I traded in thoughts of writing for thoughts of how to get her to leave me alone. The end result was that I gave up writing entirely for about a year. Which was fine, really, because the ‘zine was only funny to stupid teenagers.

Does anyone know how long it takes me to create one of these rambling messes? Countless hours …   And ya know what? It’s kinda a waste of time. - ZSN #42, April ’04

2005

I started up the website in 2005 after I got my creative spark back. I had things to say and I was going to say them, damn it! This website became a place where I aired out my anxiety about graduating college, which was then followed by anxiety about making it in the Real Worldâ„¢.

After I graduated from CSC, I was sure I’d never see anyone from there again; I had no money, no job prospects, and I was stuck living in a home where I didn’t even have my own bedroom.  I blackmailed my friend from high school, Tom, into writing for the website. I wanted ZSN to grow into a big collaboration project, though that idea never took hold.

During college, my then-girlfriend and I were planning to move to Boston, so I could become a big shot graphic designer and she could go on to grad school. We knew that the two of us could never afford a place on our own, so we recruited Tom and his then-girlfriend. Thankfully, this plan fell through and the women in our lives went away, leaving two happening bachelors looking to make their name in Boston. We used ZSN to chronicle our journey to Boston, which started with a very jobless HP living under the Tobin Bridge in a Spanish slum.

Then he said “I’ve been at this company for 14 months, I started at entry level and NOW I OWN THE COMPANY.” – Job Potential: Impotent, Sept ’06

2007

The focus of the website began to shift in 2007, moving from personal accounts to something you might almost call an “article”. ZSN became less personal and more about humor, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. This might mark the time in which I became comfortable in my life as an adult. I knew who my friends were, I was dating a nice young lady, I had a steady job working at Harvard, things were going well! It’s funny, once life seems to be going well I seem to write less about it. Nothing to complain about, nothing to say!

2008

As mentioned a few paragraphs up, I had always dreamed that ZSN would bloom into a big collaboration project. I cannot remember how many times a friend has stated that they were going to write something for the site, but then I would never hear from them again. One time, an individual laid out exactly what he was going to write about.He was going to review Playboy magazines: the ads, the articles, and (of course) the ladies. When I told him that so long as it was funny I didn’t care what it was about, he stopped and said “Oh, I don’t think it will be that funny.” Never heard about it again.

A few collaboration projects did make it past the planning stage. High school friend and fellow geek, Mike, appeared from time to time to thrill us with stories from Stop & Shop.Our greatest colab project was when we teamed up with 6 other websites to form Obscure Inq. Obscure Inq lasted a few months and it was a lot of fun at the time. However, between people not understanding the concept and the writers lack of inspiration, it fell through.

You may not believe this, but people can be interesting sometimes. Did you know that things that happen in movies might have happened to people in real life? It’s amazing! - You Look Bored, June ’08

2010

The website has grown and changed, and I think I have too (by accident). I find myself more fascinated by web design than writing and more interested in video than pen and paper. I’m getting a little too busy to put time into this site. Well, not at work. I just sort of sit in my cubicle all day. Otherwise, I spend my night working on homework for my Grad classes. I spend evenings chilling with Tom. My weekends are spent with Ashley. I’ll go months where I travel every weekend, all over New England (though the knee has slowed me down). I just don’t have the time to make anything funny any more. There leads us to:

The Future

Zero Shared Nickels will continue to update for a few more weeks, when we run out of drafts of things to post. The site is basically running on autopilot now. By no means should this stop you from commenting or sharing these links with your friends. I love reading people’s comments!

Just because ZSN is ending, don’t think this means I am done being a moron online! Worry not! Aside from the fact that I am constantly tweeting about godknowswhat, I will have a new domain up and running this summer. Be sure to bookmark it now and add it to your RSS feed:

www.hyphenate.me

Special thanks to the following:

• Tom. For participating in the site and getting our asses to Boston.
• Travis. For code help and general design inspiration.
• Ashley. For sticking by me despite my ramped drinking.
• Phil. Cooking with Wilber wouldn’t have a theme song without you.
• Ben. For trying to hype the site whenever he could.
• Mike. I always enjoyed your Tales from Stop&Shop and random superhero posts!

If I forgot you, I forgot you, sorry!

Thanks all,
-HP-

Who Are The (Super) Mario Brothers?

The Mario Brothers are Mario and Luigi, two blue collar Italian immigrants from New York City. Mario – at one time – was a carpenter, but he retired after a giant ape kidnapped his then-girlfriend, Pauline. After that, his relationship with Pauline ended, Mario began to roam the sewers of NYC with his twin brother, Luigi. This somehow lead them to the Mushroom Kingdom (or back to the Mushroom Kingdom depending on the story, I guess). There Mario met Princess Toadstool, whom he constantly defends from the evil King Bowser. Luigi watches.

World Map

The most obvious place to start would be with the overabundance of phallic symbols that can be found in the Mario Brothers series. First and foremost, the majority of the games take place in the Mushroom Kingdom. It goes without saying that the decorum has a lot of mushrooms in it. The denizens of the Mushroom Kingdom are little mushroom people, often known as Toads.  They are under constant attack from Bowser, King of the Koopas. The Toads are soft, spongy, and weak, often defeated by the Koopas Troopas, which are an army of turtles with rock hard, indestructible shells. I think the symbolism here speaks for itself.

Question Block

Mario and Luigi begin their adventures one graze away from death. They are small and weak, plump and fragile. In order to become intimidating and worthy of challenge, Mario and Luigi must touch a Super Mushroom. The Super Mushroom is the textbook phallic symbol. When Mario touches it, he grows in size and becomes stronger. He can break bricks with his head and crush enemies beneath his feet.  However, once he is injured, Mario loses his stature and returns to his diminished state. Obviously a reference to an erection. This can also be fit into a metaphor for a man’s pride, as once injured it is difficult to gain the confidence to “stand tall” again.

The second most common power-up in the Mushroom Kingdom would be the Fire Flower. Although there are ways around this, but typically the Fire Flower cannot be acquired unless Mario has already had a Super Mushroom; once his is taller, his skin thicker, ready for action. Flowers are typically considered a vaginal symbol. If you do not believe me, just ask Georgia O’Keeffe. The Fire Flower is no different. Once Mario has grown (erected), he can get a Fire Flower (vagina), and attain the ability to shoot fireballs (semen).

The Mario Brothers have a wide variety of other power-ups and tools at their disposal. Here is a quick list of several questionable items.

• FLUDD – From Mario Sunshine, the FLUDD was a talking water pack  that could be used for a number of tasks (cleaning, spraying, hovering). In order to show off their new hardware, Nintendo let Mario show off how far he can shoot his stream.
• Goomba’s Shoe – A large green shoe that Mario can climb into from Super Mario Bros 3. Symbolic of a condom? It offers protection against spikes (STDs) and once Mario reaches the climax of the level, the shoe is thrown aside.
• Tanooki Suit – Also from SMB3, the Tanooki suit is similar to the Raccoon tail. However, the Tanooki suit has the added bonus of turning Mario into a rock-hard solid statue, impervious to damage. Naturally this state does not last forever (if it lasts for more than 5 hours, please consult your physician) The suit is based on the tanuki, an animal often depicted with giant testicles in Japanese folklore.
• The Shell – The Shell is from the New Super Mario for the DS. Mario fits himself inside a blue shell, making him harder and able to easily slip into tight areas.
• Bee Suit – From Super Mario Galaxy, the Bee Mushroom gives Mario the ability to don the Bee Suit. In this form, Mario is super adorable and can hover.  This suit is questionable because the saying “the birds and the bees” did not take a plump Italian into account.

Warp Zone

If we would like to delve a little further into the concept of the phallus in the Mushroom Kingdom. We should consider several modes of transportation that the Mario Brothers employ; pipes and dinosaurs.

The warp pipe represents the innate desire to return to the womb and the utter futility of that desire. Having no parental figure, Mario and Luigi have not had opportunity to properly explore their desires. Instead, they climb inside a long shaft that transports them from point A to point B. The pipes often lead to large, cavernous realms. After entering one end, you are forcibly shot out another, back into a bright and colorful world.

Introduced in Super Mario World, Yoshi began as a mode of transportation that eventually evolved into its own character. Yoshi represents an interesting conundrum. On one hand, he originally existed to “enhance” the “length” of Mario and Luigi. Yoshi was a bottomless pit, with a constant desire to pull things within him. However, as he evolved into his own character, Yoshi began to represent a desire to remain in touch with our feminine sides. With a 10 foot long tongue, it’s hard to argue that Yoshi isn’t “all man.” However, when he consumes a creature, Yoshi lays an egg. Aside from the occasional fish, it is the female of the species that typically lays eggs. Coupled with his doe eyes and cutesy-wutesy demeanor,Yoshi is one big, hot tranny mess.

The Father Figure

Lacking a proper father figure, you might say that the Mario Brothers missed out on the chance to express their Oedipal desires. Nothing could be further from the truth. The Mushroom Kingdom has no apparent patriarch, though the closest you might get is the impotent King of the Koopas, Bowser. He rules over a nonspecific realm, leading hordes of beasts and turtles. He desires two things: domination over the world and domination over Princess Toadstool. As such, Bowser is constantly kidnapping her and sometimes trying to get her to marry him.

Bowser represents something that Mario can never be; he is always large in stature, always rock hard, and he is of a higher caste in mushroom society than our blue collar hero. The majority of Mario’s struggles can be traced back to Bowser. Princess Toadstool is the target of both Mario and Bowser’s affection and as such they are bitter rivals. Bowser is the closest thing that Mario has to a “father figure.”  Mario’s goal is often to defeat Bowser (knock him off a cliff, drop him into lava, shoot him into space) and to rescue the matriarch of the Mushroom Kingdom.

The Mother Figure

Speaking of matriarchs: again, it was revealed that Mario and Luigi were orphans,  so they missed out on the normal developmental stages a child goes through, like wanting to have sex with your mother. This can often lead to the stages revealing themselves later in life. Princess Toadstool is the matriarch of the Mushroom Kingdom, ruling over a land of phallus. Her name was later revealed to be Peach. I will let Urban Dictionary take this one:

A nicely shaped, and usually freshly shaved vulva, typically characterized by large labia majora (outer lips) and small, if not invisible, labia minora (inner lips). A peach features absolutely no roast beef, and is considered by many men to be the ideal vulva for a woman.

It is pretty clear what Princess Peach is meant to represent.

Sibling Rivalry

When Super Mario Bros first debuted, Mario and Luigi existed only as a pallet swaps of each other. Things changes when Mario Bro 2 was released in the US. Mario was faster and easier to control, where Luigi was a bit more spastic, but he could jump higher and stay in the air longer. Over time, Luigi developed a personality. This trend has followed on and off since then, appearing most prominently in Super Smash Brothers.

Mario has shown himself to be quite altruistic. If anyone in the Mushroom Kingdom is in trouble, he will drop what he is doing to help the Mushroom Kingdom, whether they need release from a foreign captor or just a doctor. While Mario is out having grand adventures, Luigi either following blindly or is sitting at home. His personality has shown to be very defeatist, almost depressed.  He is often treated as the comic relief and recent games have even showed him as having a bit of a masochistic streak – Baby Luigi loves little more than to watch his future counterpart hurt himself.

What is interesting is that there is little to no sibling rivalry. The only times Luigi appears to be on point is when his brother is missing, which causes him to rush to arms. What is interesting is that when Mario goes missing, Luigi does what he can to step out from his brother’s shadow. Rather than hoping and bopping his way to the answers, Luigi will take a more subtle approach and employ tools or using carefully gathered information, as is shown in Mario is Missing and Luigi’s Mansion. It is interesting that on their premiere games for the Gamecube; Luigi, our introverted anal character, uses a vacuum, while the outgoing Mario uses a water pack. Just something to think about.

I realize that this is all quite a lot to swallow, but I find that if you come with a open mind you will find that there are some heavy ideas dangling right in front of you. I’m sure I could go in depth a little further, but as it is, I feel like this post is about to bust!

-HP-

On the following page, please enjoy a series of images taken from the Mario Brothers series:

Anybody who has ever used the Internet knows that it is loaded with spam, that most hated of viral e-mails. They’re full of crazy scams – sometimes to infect your computer, sometimes to take your money from you. I realize this may come as a shock to many of you out there in Internet Reader Land (“Home of the Fighting Low IQ Points!â„¢”), but before the ‘net, people got junk mail and scams through the regular mail (shock!).

Apparently not content with the fact that there are still some trees somewhere in the world, many of us continue to receive these scams and junk mail, to great frustration. I am here to tell you, fair Internet Readers, that there is a new, dangerous scam has emerged, and it’s from the evil people at St. Matthew’s Church, in Tulsa.

What you see above you are the two envelopes that arrived in the mail. The one on the left is the envelope everything was in. Yes, that’s writing all over it. No, it’s not hand written – this entire thing was a mildly creative use of Word so that everything might look hand written. How it made it through the USPS, I’ll never know. The one on the right is the return envelope. Notice how it just says “Resident – To a Friend” (you’ll have to enlarge it to take a proper look). On the right side of that envelope there is space to write your name. St. Matthews Church apparently doesn’t have your name yet, so if you write it down there, they’ll know who to send a free cross to (more on that in a bit). Discrepency Note: If you look at the front of the left envelope, it refers to “…this very old church…” In the letter below, the church is noted at being 50 years old. 50. Our parents are older than that. What the hell, St. Matthew’s?

How do you get said free cross? And why a return envelope? Well, it’s all explained in this letter:

This (un)helpful, offensive-to-the-eyes letter describes everything you need to know about this entire process.

Editor’s note: Never really followed up from here, but this post has been around since early 2009, so it is unlikely anything will more will come of this.

I lovingly placed Horse Head Lamp in my bedroom, as it had poor lighting to begin with. The problem in doing so is that the Horse Head lamp would glare at me all night long. I would often awake in the middle of the night to two vacant horse eye’s glaring at me, hovering over a sinister horse smile.

I would like to sell it on eBay.

Description

DIMENSIONS: Bigger than a bread basket, but smaller than a basketball hoop.

MATERIALS: The Horse Head Lamp appears to be made from wood, though who am I to say it is not made of valuable gold or platinum? It very well might be. I wouldn’t know though, because I am not a scientist.

PREVIOUS OWNERS: The most recent owner would be myself. Just so you know, I am a kind and caring man, though I have a rough exterior that can be hard to crack. The previous owner before me was my cousin, who is loud and boisterous and quite often the “life of the party.” The following people may or may not have owned the lamp previous: Elvis Presley, Heath Ledger, Alan Moore, Oprah, or Dan Castellaneta.

Perhaps the next previous owner could BE YOU??

MAKES FOR A GREAT: Birthday gift. Wedding Present. Nightmare induction.

It is possible that the Horse Head Lamp:

• was made by a famous artist
• IS a famous artist
• was once owned by a famous person
• is possessed
• is haunted
• requires 100 watt bulbs (or lower)
• is nightmare incarnate

However!

I will never be able to part with this Horsehead Lamp … because I have accidentally broken the lamp into several pieces.

Whoops,
-HP-

I put the little ear buds in and try to drown out the sounds of the traffic and the populous with a torrent of record scratches and thumping bass. It works. I look around campus for bunnies in the grass. They are very cute. I clutch my sandwich in one hand while the other hangs ever close to the “next” button on my mp3 player, in case the random play list throws a stinker at me.

I cross the bridge over the Charles River as the breeze teases me with the idea that I might cool off. While waiting for traffic to stop I hit “next” a few times until something with ample bass plays. I begin to cross the street when – well what if? – a car did not see the red light in time and could not stop. A woman driving a black SUV would come to a screeching halt so as not to kill me, but the bumper would hit my knees, knocking my legs out from underneath me and I would fall on the hot hood of the car. I would be furious. She would be a college aged, in a panic, asking me if I am “okay” over and over. I am too angry to do anything but scream at her. My back is throbbing and I throw my sandwich in her face. She continues asking me if I am okay with bits of lettuce in her hair, all I can do is limp off. I sit down, knowing full well my back won’t allow me to get back up for some time, and I call my office and tell my coworker that

“I am not coming back to work, I was hit by a car, see you later.”

Or not.

Walter Raggy’s story begins in a far simpler time. I was senior in college, looking with bright eyes towards the imminent acquisition of my degree. The thought of graduating from college brought little butterflies to my stomach and then I began vomiting all the time because bugs are really gross. Oh, how simple I was back then! Little did I know the Hell that stood before me – Job hunting, dealing with realtors, anything that had to do with my ex-girlfriend. However, my innocent naivety is neither here nor there, as it was on February 27th that I received this email correspondence from a kindly Nigerian man.

From: “MR DONALD PETERS”
To: “Walter B. Raggy”
Subject: Dear Friend(URGENT)

Dear Friend,

I know this email will come to you in an odd manner as you have not received any prior communication from me before now. But be that as it may, my name is Mr. Donald Peters and I was privileged to be the account officer of my deceased client who lost his life sometime ago. In the process of review of the financial report by my bank,I discovered that both of you have a similar last name, hence I contacted you so that I can give you further briefing on my intention and how to disburse the estate he left behind.

I will most acknowledge your prompt response as that would enable us to start something immediately.

Sincerely,
Donald Peters.

My young and still exuberant eyes widened upon reading this email. Could it be? One of God’s Creatures was asking me for help? How could I say no? I couldn’t, that’s how! I drafted an email to Mr. Donald Peters that would affirm his faith in Mankind.

Just to warn you all, these emails went back and forth for months. This is going to get kinda long and I am not sorry.

From: “Walter B. Raggy”
To: MR DONALD PETERS
Subject: Re: Dear Friend(URGENT)

Please Mr. Peters, Do Tell Me More! I am Sorry to Hear About Your Client!

-Walter Raggy

From: MR DONALD PETERS
To: Walter B. Raggy
Subject: Further Details

Dear Walter,

Compliments! First of all, I have to acknowledge your willingness to get back to me with further info.

I work for Orient International Bank PLC.Here in Nigeria West Africa, The name of my Client was late Mr.Jeffrey Raggy. He died in the year 2002 from Cardiac Arrest and left some amount of money with my bank. After making the necessary account balancing, I discovered that he left a total of five million united states dollars with my bank (US$5,000.000.00) and without any registered next of kin. It is now very obvious that he died intestate as I have already made further inquiry to ascertain this. And this is where and why I contacted you as the money is now marked unclaimed with my bank. If nothing happens and nobody comes up for the funds,the bank will reclaim it as that is the bank’s policy with such unfilled funds. I now solicit your sincere cooperation so that we can work together to get the funds out of the bank before it goes back to the bank.

I would want us to have a fifty fifty share of the funds as soon as it is cleared from the bank.Do not worry on how to do this as I am here to give you the best advise on how to make it. If this is OK by you, kindly let me have the following information,

i, YOUR COMPLETE NAMES
ii, MAILING ADDRESS
iii, TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS( if any)

I would be looking forward to get your usual prompt response. You can call me at 0112341 477 9332 for us to talk more

Sincerely, Donald Peters
+ 2341 477 9332 No 334 Breadfruit Street
Victoria Island Lagos Nigeria

Boy, I’d sure love 5 thousandy and no cents US dollars ($5,000.000.00!) As you can see on the next page, Don and Walter grew to be the bestest of friends.

]]> http://www.zerosharednickels.com/wordpress/?feed=rss2&p=1851 3 http://www.zerosharednickels.com/wordpress/?p=960 http://www.zerosharednickels.com/wordpress/?p=960#comments Tue, 06 Apr 2010 04:13:55 +0000 Tom http://www.zerosharednickels.com/wordpress/?p=960 (I assume Tom had intended this to be posted in June 2009.)

So it’s finally June. Here at ZSN, that means adding ice to the Scotches that are older than us, and switching from snow boots to sandals (sneakers are okay, but only if there will be sneaking involved). It also means that we’re entering a magical time of year, the time when children cheer and mothers weep with joy and fathers grill in celebration and bros high-five: the Blockbuster Marathon.

The Blockbuster Marathon is, of course, the string of movies starting sometime in April or May and going until the end of August where flashing colors and quick jokes take precedence over multilayered characters, social mores, or, in some cases, “plot.” This is nothing new in Hollywood, of course. In fact, it’s pretty much tradition at this point. The fall is Oscar Season, so it’s movies that are all about the human condition and deal with difficult subjects and have a lot of very serious people sitting around staring at each other and talking in hushed tones. Winter is the time where they stick the movies they don’t care about (not counting Christmas, which is somehow a target for hilariously un-Christian fantasy movies), and Spring is, literally, Spring Cleaning. Chick flicks rule the day, while everyone begins gearing up for the summer.

And why not? During the fall and winter, the weather sucks. If it’s not dropping feet of snow in sub-zero temperatures, it’s sheets of rain that drown even the largest of sewer rats. What are people going to do? Sit home and talk to each other? Pfft, of course not. They’re going to go out to a movie that will do the talking for them, so that they can continue to drink wine by the bottle and tell themselves it’s okay because it’s the spirit of the season.

Summer, now, summer is a different animal. The weather warms up, the sun stays out longer. People start doing things like wearing shorts and playing Frisbee. What is Hollywood to do? It’s the summer, no one wants to sit around watching families of pretty people sit around and have arguments, they’re too busy going hiking and rock climbing. However, summer is also the season of the 4th of July, America’s Independence Day. Which means fireworks, which means bright flashes of color and huge explosions.

Bingo.

Enter the summer blockbuster, the movie that is the embodiment of the summer for so many: America, explosions, things happening outside (such as explosions), and sitting in air conditioning.  Therefore, there is a proud tradition amongst film directors to try to cause the biggest explosions possible, in hopes of etching their names eternally into the childhoods of millions. Enter Michael Bay.

Now, a lot of people hate Michael Bay. This boggles my mind. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Michael Bay is following a proud tradition of over-the-top summer movies, and continues to try to make his explosions bigger, brighter, and more…explody….

Anyway, sure, he directed Pearl Harbor. But Spieldberg directed War of the Worlds and we forgave him (another summer blockbuster, I might add). Lucas directed Episodes I, II & III, but we…okay, bad example. Michael Bay directed Pearl Harbor, yes, but he also directed The Rock. Sean Connery and Nicholas Cage breaking into Alcatraz is more than enough to make up for putting Brad Pitt in a movie.

I was walking past the Convention Center over by Mass Ave and I noticed a sign in front of it. It read:

Boston 6th Annual ZineCon Fest.
At Kinkos, turn left at Hynes Convention Center (walk approx. 230 feet.)

I decided to check it out.

It was a pretty small turn out. A few dozen or so people, crammed into this little shop. There were no booths, it was just fold out tables with papers piled on top of them. I decided that for your viewing pleasure I would grab a few zines and transcribe them for you. I hope you enjoy them!

———–

re:BUTTal: The Daily Trail and Tribulations of my butt

Issue # 67 date: //MMIX//03//10//1710
by Steve

Story of the Week

Worked out my glutes for 3 hours yesterday. Started with some one legged cable kick backs at home and then I jogged to the park and did some step ups off a bench. Was walking down the street and I heard a fairly fine Hispanic woman whisper to her unattractive, short, fat friend that I have a “mighty fine ass.” I smiled a little harder and did some walking lunges so she could see my butt in action. I got caught up in counting my steps but I think she was totally impressed.

Butt Spotters

Here are some people I caught looking at my butt:

• Old lady in front of the Super Stop & Shop
• Bespectacled child in park
• Couple of gay dudes at Loews (I DO NOT DISCRIMINATE)
• Mother of two buying shoes at Payless Shoestore
• 35 y.o. autistic lady who bagged my groceries
• An entire sorority.
• Hot jailbait Subway employee
• Overweight lady manager at Subway
• A bus driver
• Hot babe on the street

Touch my Butt

Here are some reasons to touch my butt:

1. It is well sculpted.
2. It is toned.
3. It is fit.
4. Some parts are soft.
5. Some parts are rock hard.
6. I can flex my butt.
7. I have never tried this, but I am fairly certain I could crack a walnut between but butt checks.
8. I shave my butt twice a day, so it is as smooth as the day I was born.
9. I only use the finest lotions on my butt, so it is glossy and smooth.
10. I work out my butt about 60 hours a week.
11. Movie star Bruce Willis once walked by and brushed against my butt, so by grabbing my butt you are grabbing Bruce Willis.

———————

Things My Cats Did This Week

Vol. 3 Issue 6
by Peggy

Hello and welcome back. It’s been cold out, so the kitties are keeping warm! Last week Mitzikens ate a spider and I was very worried about her. She has not meowed or purred in 72 hours. I hope she is okay. Fans of Mitzikens, please send your prays. You may send your prays to iCanHazEmales@AOL.com.

Monday

• I tried to put a muffin on Fluffers’s tummy to take a picture to submit to www.stuffonmycat.com, but he rolled over. I guess my cat does not want stuff on him!
• Around noon Mitzikens took a nap. She seemed to dream, perhaps of spiders!!! o___O
• Don Paws chased his tail momentarily at about 2:30pm.

Tuesday

• Mufflewuffles threw up a hairball at 5:00 this morning in my slipper!! YUCK!!!
• Fluffers purred for exactly 15 minutes today!
• I dropped some chicken on the floor “by accident” -___^ and Pouncer pounced on it. He sure lives up to his namesake!!!!
• Thought of new LOLcat macro caption! “I can resiprikate luvs!” I took pictures of Fluffy, Mufflewuffles, AND Mitzikens! Time to see who the model is in the family!!

Wednesday

• Slobodan Meowsevic chased a mouse, but when he finally caught up to it he was too startled to do anything and he ran away!!!
• Pouncer curled up in a sunny spot in my den. It was so adorable I screamed! ^___^
• Mitzikens clawed at our couch and then looked at me as if to say “Whaaat did IIIiiii dooo?” It was so cute I forgave her!!
• Pouncer pounced on my hand and gave me a nick! I scolded him and set him in the cage for a time out X__o;;;

Thursday

• Got the photographs of the Fluffy, Mufflewuffles, and Mitzikens for my LOLcat and BOTH Mufflewuffles and Fluffy were blinking!! ‘_’
• Don Paws was grumpy-yumpy and he growled and hissed all day! He even got in a fight with Slobodan Meowsevic. There were NO winners. *__o;;;
• I switched the kitties cat foods from diet to diet PLUS, which includes an anti-hair ball formulas! I will report on the results TOMORROW! (> ‘_’)>

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The Zen of Pizza

Book II, Chapter I
by AlphaZenLog

1. The Pizza is perfection. A circle – it has no beginning nor has it an end.
2. A Pizza’s warmth is like a warm embrace.
3. Pizza is not guilty.
4. Pizza was created to be shared.
5. To deny Pizza is to deny the Earth’s cooperative efforts.
6. See how the Pizza can represent the World as it should be. One simple template, infinite possibilities.

Zen Pizza of the Week

This week we are going to look into Carmine Pizza. No one knows who invented it, though it was made famous by the Italians in 1854. It has a soft texture and a sweet, inviting odor. On the surface it is a little much to look at, but what people take for granted is how well the caramelized onions play off the mozzarella cheese to lift one’s aura. Every bite near literally envelopes you in a dance of  sweetness, but it keeps you grounded with the Earthy flavors of the chunky tomato sauce.

Nutrition: 3/5
Healing properties: 5/5
Smile factor: 4/5

Recipe on the following page …>

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I ever tried recreating ZSN into a paper ‘zine to fit in with these guys, but I don’t think it was very popular.

-HP-

I have two traditions after I watch a movie. If I saw the movie in the theaters, I will take the ticket stub and place it in a small box on my desk. I have every ticket stub to every movie I have seen since 1998. My other tradition, which I do regardless of how I see the movie, is to go to IMDb and look for any neat trivia about the movie I just saw. I try to stick to the trivia itself, because if you venture too far down on the page you will find the IMDb message boards. The IMDb message boards are a vast waste land.

Case in point…

3:10 to Yuma

A jerkass criminal (Russell Crowe) is captured by the law. Cattle farmer, Christian Bale (Batman), tries to prove to his son that he is not a pussy by escorting Crowe to a train that will take him to prison.

This movie is a crock of sh**

This movie is incredibly dumb in its incredible violence.

If you liked it then you likely still believe that there were/are Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq and need to send YOUR son’s to Iraq to get killed.

At least this is ONLY a movie. – hold2file

I think you need to send yourself to Iraq. - ricky-beaman

I can’t believe there are people as dumb as you out there. Sir YOU ARE TRULY A DOUCHEBAG = Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and Ahole but can also be described as an overzealous, pompous, or vexatious F@#K that most people wish were killed with a Mortal Kombat fatality. – zoraxx

Tremors

A documentary on the near extinct subterranean graboids filmed in their last known natural habitat; Perfection, Nevada.

Tremors 1 movie a true story?

After I watched this movie I thought the story from the movie could be true. – pciraulo-1

It’s probably one of the most believable plots I’ve ever heard of in my opinion. Seriously, like spidysense97-1 said, we don’t know what could be happening deep down in the Earth. They’re also very believable monsters when you think about it, nothing too exagerrated about them… Perhaps the speed is a bit. – dante111

Wristcutters: A Love Story

A guy kills himself and ends up in a joyless purgatory reminiscent of Perfection, Nevada. There he meets up with girl (Shannyn Sossamon) and falls in love with her. Then they set out on a road trip to find the “people in charge.”

(From Shannyn Sossamon’s board):

Drug use?

besides the obvious drugs or tri-fecta. has she done any hard hard drugs? im wondering since she tweaks out in interviews(or is she really just that sweet?) or if she is on something. or a combo of both? – johndewhitt

STFU moron. She’s nervous in interviews and shy, but she’s gotten better. – Lip_Service

..and here come the defending, obsessive fans/stalkers. – maken9

sshe should b shy her acting sucks – Keilaroc

The Vampires Assistant

Two high school boys have a homoerotic friendship until one becomes a half-vampire and hangs out with John C. Riley and some sideshow freaks. Then the other kid becomes an evil vampire and they fight.

FINALLY, A VAMPIRE MOVIE WHERE THEY DON’T SPARKLE!

fck twilight.
vampires don’t fcking sparkle.
twilight and edward cullen fans make me angry >.>
the fact that I know who edward cullen is and I don’t read those books makes me sad.  

but CIRQUE DU FREAK!
MY GOD.
I’m reading the books now.

also, anybody find it hilarious that Mr. Tall is asian?
I’m not racist, I’m just throwing that out there :p

my friend was kind of upset that we went to see this instead of Paranormal Activity, but I heard that sucked anyway and I’m glad we saw this instead. – hpls_rmntc_x3

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY IS A BEEZY!!
I WAS FREAKED! :O – princessslife

Paranormal Activity

People live in a house and there is some paranormal activity in the house.

Dont know about you but I wouldve left the btch…

They werent married, they had no kids. Aint no taco worth staying for and putting up with that sh!t…. – jstep1313

Well, Micah loved her. And if you love someone, you stay with them no matter what. – MovieJunkie10

bull *beep* – Oldherrence555

THIS MOVIE IS DISGUSTING

I left the theater 30 minutes in, because it was just so unrealistic, the main character, Katie, was really overweight. I don’t know why Micah was with her, it was just disgusting, I almost threw up in my mouth a bit, how can people let themselves get like that? And who would cast someone like that in a movie? I guess it was because they had a low budget.

By the way, I’m not very superficial at ALL, but that was just totally unrealistic. – jhnny_43

You left the theater before the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY really started? – Eugenechevreul

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I didn’t even dare go into movies with a popular teen following or heavy politics. I’m sure that as the IMDb boards will get no better, we will be seeing more excerpts from their brilliant minds.

fck twilght,
-HP-