Hello dear friend, how are you on the fine Wednesday? It’s been, what, a year since you first moved into the Big Cityâ„¢? It’s been a busy year, too, between the beaches, concerts, camping, drinking and holidays.  I’m proud of you for still being alive and functioning, and not just being in some sort of alcohol/stress induced coma. It’s a testament to your will.

But, even then, it’s been a very long year. I think you’ve earned yourself a break. Perhaps, a vacation? Say, to Exotic Cityâ„¢? I realize Exotic Cityâ„¢ isn’t all that exotic, since it’s in the same country as you, and isn’t exactly some sort of foreign place with hundreds of extra years of history and architecture and plague. But, it has the advantage of being full of people who speak your language (cab drivers notwithstanding), and you won’t even need a passport! Think you want to go, huh? Sound like fun? Awesome. Let’s get started with

Transportation – Much like when you went home for the winter holidays, you have options here. Depending on how far away Exotic Cityâ„¢ is, you may want to consider driving. If you have a car, this is easy – hop in it and go. If you don’t, you can rent one. All you need is a credit card with an incredibly high limit, so that you can pay for all of the fees associated with renting cars (insurance, gas, your age, the age of the hookers the company CEO gets , the cost of covering up the subsequent disappearance of said hookers, etc). But hey, then you’re at least you’re own master on the road, right? Sure, you’re at the mercy of construction crews, teenage drivers, old people drivers, weather, being tired, needing to use the bathroom, gas mileage, tire pressure/stability, and speed traps, but you’re on the open road! If you want the open road but don’t want to be behind the wheel, there’s always the bus. Buses are great, in that you can sit in a cramped seat and smell the exotic scent cocktail of the rednecks and hobos sharing the space with you. Oh, you’d like to have the experience of a long trip, but with slightly better smelling people? Well, there’s always the railway system! That’s right, for an exhorbirant decent fee, you can hop on a train and go. The seating is better than on a bus, the people smell better, you’ll see parts of the country you normally wouldn’t see (like ghettos)…what’s not to love? Sure, a poorly placed group of rocks could send the whole thing plunging into a gorge, but that’s not nearly as common as movies would have you believe. I think! Well, if you don’t want to be stuck on the ground, there’s always travelling by airplane. Air flight is the safest way to travel (you can’t accidentally hit a moose when you’re 30,000 feet up), unless you count mountains, Canadian geese, terrorists, or gravity.  Certainly, flying is your fastest option, and all you have to do is take all your clothes off for a man with a metal wand first! So, you’ve found a way to get to Exotic Cityâ„¢, now you’ll want to check into your

Lodgings – One of the beautiful things about travelling is all the options you have. Finding somewhere to stay is no exception. You have everything from roach-infested hell-holes to five star resorts with their own pools, postal services, and police forces (as well as diplomatic immunity). There are bungalos, tents, hostels, and even friend couches. Pay close attention to where you’re going to stay, as you’ll want to make sure you can get in and out with relative ease, but not so much ease that somebody with your key could do the same. You want to have at least a 4:1 mint to roach ratio, and being near a main thoroughfaire always helps, as  you can get out and explore the city easier. Also, the more shirt your hotel manager wears, the better off your things will most likely be in your room. This is science here, people. Keep in mind, though, that hotel amenities will cost extra – things like hot tubs, spas, clean sheets, and pillows are not free services provided by each and every place of temporary residence. Check to see what sort of premium those things run for, and go from there. Okay, found your hotel/motel/hostel? Excellent, now you’ll need a map so you can

See the Sights – Every town, city, and over-sized junkyard in the world has sights to see. Maybe it’ll be ancient ruins. Perhaps, it’ll be the site where some revolutionary hero rode his trusty steed through the city streets. Maybe it’ll be the restaurant where a local totally ate 5 pizzas in under an hour without puking all over himself. Maybe it’s a big ball of twine. Whatever it is, you can be damn sure the locals will be proud of it, and it is wise to bring a long a digital camera so that you can take pictures of every single sight you see, from the engraved placard to the incredibly phallic looking presidential memorials. While you’re at it, why not see the insides of authentic local restaurants? You know the type – Irish pubs in Boston, sushi bars in San Francisco, Mexican places in Dallas, Uno’s in Chicago. The kind of place that’s unique to that city, influenced by the migration over the past centuries. Sure, you could go to a mock version in your town, but why bother if it’s not going to cost you hundreds of dollars, hours of travelling, and days off work? That would be like claiming you can speak French, and then never sounding like a frog with a baguette stuck in its throat! In other words, a travesty!

Well, dear friends, I hope with these tips and tricks, you too can go out and enjoy the wonderful sights and smells of our (or your!) fair country. And remember, there are pickpockets and human traffickers just waiting for unsuspecting schmucks to step off their planes. Happy Vacation!

Fanny packs are for grandmas,
Tom